Douglas E. Noll. De-escalate: how to calm an angry person in 90 seconds or less. Beyond Words Publishing. 2017.
The author presents methods in detail enough for practising, with copious example dialogues.
- Interview with Josselyne Herman-Saccio (35 minutes, Video)
- Author's own videos
The author highlights and describes how to practice several important skills:
- Recognizing affects and emotions
- Labeling affects
- Reflecting core messages
- Avoiding emotional invalidation
- Fostering peace circles
Contents
Foreword
Introduction
1. The Secret Revealed
- We Are Emotional Beings
- The Secret to De-Escalating
- Affect Labeling
- Emotions: Affect and Feeling
- Emotional Categorization
- Emotional Granularization
- Alexithymia
- Three Essential Steps
- Step One: Ignore the Words
- Step Two: Guess at the Speaker's Emotional Experience
- Step Three: Reflect Back the Emotions Using Declarative "You" Statements
- What It Looks Like
- Chapter Summary
2. Affect Labeling in Action
- De-Escalating Upset Children
- Sibling Rivalry
- Emotional Shutdown
- Lying, Denial, and Disobedience
- Becoming an Empathetic Listener
- Conflicts over Technology
- A Word on Children with Special Needs
- The Dangers of Emotional Invalidation
- Chapter Summary
3. After Restoring the Calm, Then What?
- The Range of Problem-Solving Possibilities
- Reflective Listening
- Simple Reflecting or Mirroring
- Paraphrasing
- Reflecting the Core Message
- Affect Labeling
- Results-Based Coaching
- Creating Accountable Agreements
- Chapter Summary
4. Minimum Coercion, Maximum Listening
- De-Escalating Unresponsive Teens
- The Sullen, Unengaged Teen
- Pushback and Resistance
- Instant Gratification
- Bullying
- Listening to the Bully
- Fostering Peace Circles
- Chapter Summary
5. The Art of Core Messaging
- How to Core Message Effectively
- Step One: Listen and Ignore the Words
- Step Two: Be in Silence
- Step Three: Wait for Words or Phrases to Float into Consciousness
- Step Four: Allow a Metaphor to Come to Mind
- Step Five: Frame the Core Message Using the Metaphor
- Step Six: Reflect Back the Core Message
- De-Escalating Angry and Grieving Friends
- Listening to a Frustrated Friend
- Listening to a Grief-Stricken Friend
- When Not to Listen
- Listening to Insults and Disrespect
- Chapter Summary
6. Peacemaking in Relationships
- De-Escalating Intimate Relationships
- Listening to a Man's Emotions
- Listening to a Woman's Emotions
- A Word on Dating
- Listening and Problem Solving with Your Partner
- Defusing Arguments and Fights
- How to Get the Other Person to Listen
- De-Escalating After Divorce
- Co-Parenting
- The Six Needs of Victims
- Vengeance
- Vindication
- To Be Heard
- To Create Meaning
- Safety
- Meeting the Victim's Needs
- Chapter Summary
7. Be an Affect Label Leader
- De-Escalating at Work
- How to Affect Label a Coworker
- How to Affect Label a Boss
- How to Affect Label a Subordinate
- The Nature of Leadership
- Chapter Summary
8. The Power of Self-Awareness
- Developing Emotional Intelligence
- Building Your Emotional Granularity
- What Triggers You?
- De-Escalating Yourself
- The Transcendent State of Egolessness
- Chapter Summary
9. A Master Skill for Teachers
- De-Escalating the Classroom
- Listening to Students and Parents
- Dealing with Consequences
- Listening to Angry Parents
- Chapter Summary
10. How to Be Civil in an Uncivil Society
- What Are Beliefs?
- Listening to Polarized People
-
When Families Are Divided
- Establish Some Conversational Ground Rules
- Using Peace Circles to Slow Down
- Chapter Summary