The Connector's Advantage

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Michelle Tillis Lederman. The Connector's Advantage: 7 Mindsets to Grow Your Influence and Impact. Page Two Books. Vancouver, BC. 2019.

Useful reference for building connections with people.

You can find several podcast interviews with this author to get a feel for her discoveries about connecting with people. Each reveals different nuances and still covers the fundamentals.

General notes

Each chapter of the book includes excellent narratives, an exercise or two, and a clear summary.

Key ideas (Michelle covers each in detail in her light 210 page book):

  • Success depends on connection

  • Connection relies on likability (short summary of her previous book, 11 Laws of Likability)

  • Connectors involve several levels (increasing order)

    • Non-Connector
    • Emerging Connector
    • Responsive Connector
    • Acting Connector
    • Niche Connector
    • Super Connector
    • Global Super Connector
  • Connectors are open and accepting
  • Connectors have clear vision
  • Connectors believe in abundance
  • Connectors trust
  • Connectors are social and curious
  • Connectors are conscientious
  • Connectors have a generous spirit
  • Diversify your connections
  • Relationships have dominant types
    • Champion
    • Cheerleader
    • Mentor
    • Follower
    • Sounding Board
    • Confidant

My favourite helpful notes

You deserve to keep this book in your quick-reference materials.

Connectors are open and accepting

Based on understanding of emotional intelligence, this section uses some "system two thinking" tips. We must slow our thinking down to keep ourselves from racing up the "ladder of inference".

About any event, action or behaviour:

  • What don't I know?

  • How else could I interpret it?

  • What if I'm wrong?
  • Do I want to be right?

Connectors have clear vision

Clear vision - who you are, how you can be useful, what you are working on, what help you need

SMARTER goals: Specific Measurable Actionable Realistic Timed Engaging Revisited

Maintain balanced energy

  • Use daily rituals to keep you grounded
  • Use breaks for rejuvenation
  • Prioritize good sleep (over a few more minutes on technology, etc)

Remember 4 ways to ask for the help you need

  • Opt-out ask
  • Make-it-easy ask
    • Alternate ask
    • Shrinking ask
    • Convenient ask
  • Non-ask
  • WIIFT ask (What's In It For Them)

Connectors believe in abundance

Redefine limits you see around opportunities, work and relationships. There is enough. Practice gratitude.

Make time for connections in your under-used times

  • Use content creation as a first pass
  • Combine networking meetings with your existing schedule
  • Host group gatherings

Acknowledge fear that allows scarcity thinking, understand its source.

Trust yourself. Stop judging yourself in relation to others. Build internal confidence and access abundant thinking: your skills, your value.

Give credit.

When you shine the light on someone else, it reflects back on you.

Practice gratitude by focusing on the positive (propels abundant thinking).

Be motivated by other people's successes.

Connectors trust

Be able to trust yourself, be inclined to trust others, show potential to be trusted by others.

Trust is the expectation of predictability.

Four pillars of trust

  • Authenticity - willing to share some information about yourself
  • Vulnerability - disclosing appropriate information about yourself, acknowledging your mistakes, being okay with being imperfect (leads to credibility)

  • Transparency - keeping people aware even if you don't have all the answers yet

  • Consistency - act the same way over time (cornerstone of trust)

Restore trust (we all do things daily that build and break trust). Broken trust takes time

  • apologize and accept responsibility
  • acknowledge impact
  • establish with the person a plan of action (towards rebuilding trust)

Connectors are social and curious

Introversion (extroversion) is a spectrum with most of us as ambiverts somewhere in between. Each of us has a best-format for social engagements (groups, virtual settings, one-on-one, formal galas, casual nights out, sports activities, etc.)

Group Settings

  • Smile and maintain open or inviting body language
  • Make eye contact (keep you phone put away)
  • Keep your body slightly open (allow a way in for others)
  • Enable others to join your group conversation

  • Introduce yourself to new members (as they join)

  • Approach individuals who are on their own (invite to join)

If you have trouble finding an activity or event, then create the event or community that you believe is missing. A community can form around common attitudes, interests and goals.

Connections arise also when conquering causes together.

Work a room (Lederman cites Susan RoAne):

  • Align your attitude - positive, enthusiastic, upbeat, enjoying yourself
  • Prepare for conversation - know current events and issues; prepare 3-5 items you are curious about to interject, reference or discuss; gather stories to share (news, trade journals, movie reviews, favourite content curators)

  • Initiate introductions (wear name tag on handshake side)

  • Rescue someone (uncomfortable-looking person)
  • Attend with a friend (compare with Ivan Misner comments in interview with Matthew Pollard)
  • Extricate graciously - remember "mood memory" (11 Laws of Likability) and move approximately one-quarter of the room away
  • Follow up - how do you want to structure how you build toward your next point of contact with each person? Keep it simple and prioritize who you can follow up with to keep the connection going

Leverage your curiosity - balance advocacy and inquiry

  • What do I want to know or learn about this person right now?
  • What question do I really want to know the answer to?
  • What can I share to support this person based on what I'm learning?

Try creative ways to connect - host a podcast, offer to do work gratis, send personalized thoughtful gift, or feature on your social media

Connectors are conscientious

When you say you will do something, do it. You can cultivate your conscientiousness skill.

Make a plan

  • pick a concrete aspect to work on, such as punctuality, day scheduling, organizing your work
  • figure out what to do when things go off plan

Do everything to the best of your ability and take pride in how you execute tasks.

Follow up and follow through - closing the open loop on tasks is always part of the task execution. Following up and through build your credibility.

Use communication hacks (Ryan Foland):

  • Be easy to read
  • Get others talking
  • Know how to communicate the problem you solve
  • Create a memory flash - an anchor memory you have together

Know when to say "no" and how to say "yes"

  • understand your other commitments (do what you say you will)

  • refer to Table 9.1 for tidy listing of situations

    • Decline

      • No
      • Yes, if
      • Yes, when
      • Yes, after

    • Redefine

      • Qualified No
      • No with alternatives
      • Yes with alternatives

    • Reprioritize

      • No, but
      • Yes, if
      • Yes with alternatives

    • Accept

      • Yes

Connectors have a generous spirit

Generous spirit

  • engage with others without judgment
  • be tolerant of different beliefs, values and behaviours
  • assume positive intent
  • embrace differences with acceptance
  • be happy for others' good fortune
  • stop understandable moments of jealousy from driving words or actions

Add value - accessible ways: information, invitations, introductions, admiration, advice, appreciation, recognition, credit, simple thanks

Amplify the impact of others

  • give credit
  • share their story
  • enlist others
  • pay it forward

Set boundaries to prevent being taken advantage of

Take care of yourself - schedule time to be generous with yourself

How to be an inclusive connector

Handy section in Diversify Your Connections chapter where Lederman cites Robbie Samuels.

  • Recognize and embrace the unicorn within - how you stand out from the crowd in the room

  • Call out similarities to create connections (and avoid calling out differences which creates separation)

    • understand when something you notice holds otherness: if the person chose it, it's a welcome topic for conversation

  • Have a host mindset

    • welcome people
    • reach out to people who may not feel included

    • use body language, eye contact and physical space to invite others into group conversations

    • leave space for people to approach
    • widen space and invite people in
    • when a break occurs, introduce yourself to the person who joined and introduce the others
    • if you know the organization or other attendees, ask who new people would like to meet and help make the connection

Use Kirsten Pressner's flip it to test it exercise to help you overcome unconscious bias.